Guest Post by J.O.B – Caregiver Part VI

Please see “Guest Post by J.O.B. – Caregiver Part I” if you need to catch up or need the link to J.O.B.’s blog.

March 1st, 1993

 I came home from school one day in late February. As I walked through the Dining Room, I saw my Father. My Mother was standing next to him, along with Debbie. I was a little befuddled. I asked, “What’s going on?” It seemed like my Father was going to answer when my Mother stepped in front of him. She grabbed me by the face and said, “Honey, I’m not feeling too good. My friends at work are going to help me”.

I thought this was great. Mom worked at the hospital and her friends would know more than I would about helping her. She stood in the Living room holding my face telling me that everything was going to be fine. She even told me to do my homework, which I did. As the next couple of days came, the routine differed. Instead of relieving Debbie at the house, I joined her at 2C. That is the Palos Cancer floor which Mom worked. We would sit there, shooting the bull about whatever. But what I noticed most of all were all the IV’s hooked up to Ma. I would later discover that these IV’s were pumping morphine into her.

Mom was like a living corpse. I would get there, sit next to her, and rub her hand. I would rub her head. I would joke with Debbie, I would joke with Ma. But she would just stare into space. She would stare at me and Debbie. Her Mouth was gaping open, and I can’t even imagine the pain she was in. After being at the hospital for an hour or so, I told Ma, “I have to go home real quick and do some homework”.  Ma just looked at me. she didn’t even have the strength to speak. I told her I would be back in a couple of hours.

I got home and studied. After studying I jumped in the shower. I took a long relaxing shower. So hot that my skin turned red. As I was in the shower, I heard a banging at the door. I jumped out of the shower and got dressed in the matter of a minute or two. It was my Brother-in-law Jeff. As I ran downstairs and saw him, I knew the emergency. “MOM’S DEAD!”, he said. We hugged and I told him to go back to the hospital to be with Debbie. When I arrived in Mom’s room………………. She was still warm. My eyes watered, my pulse raced. And I felt like the biggest piece of shit. To this day, I should have been there when she passed. I should have been holding her head in my hands. I should have been there with her. In the room, she was warm, and there was nothing I could do.

She was gone! She was a beautiful Irish/Scottish women who was diagnosed with cancer. She lost the battle and she lost it badly. But she gave it everything she had. She may have went down, but she went down fighting. Because that’s what she taught us. Do the best you can! You may get your ass kicked! But if you try hard, you never lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Dana Jane O’Brien

10-31-37/03-01-93

Guest Post by J.O.B – Caregiver Part V

Please see “Guest Post by J.O.B. – Caregiver Part I” if you need to catch up or need the link to J.O.B.’s blog.

February 1993

When February rolled around, the dark days had arrived. Mom wasn’t smoking anymore, only because she could not muster the strength to walk to the basement. Most of her time was spent laying on the couch with a bucket placed next to her for vomit. I would come home from school on some days and empty the bucket. I would place and dab a cool wash cloth on her head. A head that had prickly little hairs on it that just looked like death. This must be the definition of caregiver that we all discuss.

This became the new normal. Debbie would stay with Ma in the morning while I was at school. And I would relieve her at 3:20. There were days where Mom could function. She would be able to get off of the couch and use the bathroom. Even make a meal, and manage to keep it down. But there were days that were filled with nothing more than pain and tears. I remember on two separate occasions that after being fed dinner on the couch, she was to weak to even turn onto her side to vomit, so she threw up all over her chest and shoulder. After cleaning her up I would lift her torso up to remove the sheet and replace it. As I gently laid her head on the fresh pillow, she would look up at me with the saddest look. It had to have been the look of utter shame. A Mother who brought a child into this world, and was supposed to grow old watching and experiencing all of his accomplishments. But currently, she lay there helpless with her baby boy having a front row seat. Cleaning vomit off of her. Feeding her. Bathing her. I’m guessing this could not have been what she imagined the end to be.

Come mid February things went from bad to worse. Ma would go days without eating. Not because she didn’t want to but because she didn’t have the strength. The good days were pretty much gone and Debbie was reprimanded for using all her sick days at work. Which resulted in my Father speaking to my Dean and counselor which enabled me to take days off of school. When Bill was able to get off of work he would come over. Probably just to give me a break.

I remember one day particular that I was kneeling next to her rubbing her head with a damp cloth. All of the sudden a tap on my shoulder startled me. It was Bill (Brother). He asked, “How is she doing?” I asked him, “Are you kidding? Look at her! She’s dying. And there’s nothing we can do”. “Why don’t you go out tonight? I took off of work tonight and I’ll stay with Ma. You should just go out and relax a bit”, he said. I told him I was just going to go to my room, which I did. An hour later I had a knock on my door. It was Bill, and he wanted to know what was going on. I told him, “Nothing, I just didn’t feel like going out”. He told me, “Look, I know Mom is going to pass and it is unfair to you. But you need to know that she would want you to live your life. And I want you to live your life. We are all in this together”, he said. “I’m your Brother, and I will be here for you……..no matter what!”, he told me. “We are in this together and that is how it is”, he said.

Bill’s help was huge, but as each day went by things got worse. It got to the point where the O’Brien Matriarch would spend ALL of her time laying on the couch. Moaning in pain with tears coming from her eyes. This woman who stood seventy inches tall and once weighed one hundred and seventy pounds had been reduced to a shell of herself weighing no more than one ten. Every day that I was there was filled with pain, and despair. I contacted my friend Sean. He was a chemistry genius who was able to extract THC from the marijuana plant and bake it into food. He made cookies and brownies. I purchased quite a few brownies from him and was able to talk my Mother into eating them.

The amazing thing is that I feel no guilt over this. I felt NOTHING but guilt with the cigarettes. Even to this day I don’t like discussing it. But with the “THC” brownies, I have no problem. I think it’s because it worked, somewhat. She wasn’t in pain so much any more. She could eat without throwing up. But most importantly, she seemed to be able to enjoy the little bit of life that she had left.

Ma had two favorite categories of music. One was classical, which I grew up learning from her on the piano. But as much as she loved classical, and the piano, she loved Motown, and her favorite was Otis. I remember purchasing “The Very Best Of Otis Redding” cassette so that we could listen to it. Her favorite song was…………………….

Guest Post by J.O.B – Caregiver Part IV

Please see “Guest Post by J.O.B. – Caregiver Part I” if you need to catch up or need the link to J.O.B.’s blog.

 January 1993

Christmas was awesome. Mom felt like a Wife, a Mother, a Grandmother, and a Sister for the first time in a while. She provided holiday spirits and holiday cheer for her family. It was the most joyous time in the history of the O’Brien/Robertson family. At least what I could remember. After all, as I said, we were all together for the first time. And no matter what pain, discomfort, or fear that my Mother felt. All I can remember is the smile that was constantly upon her face.

But as New Years came, things went back to what became the new normal. Football was over and I was lifting at the gym. Dad and Bill were working their asses off. Julie was back at school. And Debbie was taking Mom to radiation therapy. Our family sort of fell into a routine. But it was about to get a lot more complicated.

I remember coming home one night in early January. It was the first week in school after Christmas break. Mom was in the Living room on her favorite chair. I sat down beside her when she hit we with it. “Could you do me a favor Honey?”, she asked. “Of course Ma, what is it?”, I replied. “Can you get me a pack of Virginia Slim Menthol Lights?”….I told her I couldn’t for obvious reasons, and that’s when I had the worst conversation of my entire life.

“Honey, I just want a cigarette”, she said. “You probably do Ma, but that’s what got us to this point to begin with. And we are still fighting”, I replied. My Mother grabbed my hand and sat me down. “Jon, radiation is over. My last treatment was over a week ago. Unfortunately it did not work, and the cancer has spread to my brain.” she said. “What does that mean?”, I asked. “Honey, we tried hard, but it didn’t work. The Cancer spread. I am so sorry to tell you this, but I am going to die. It’s just a matter of when, but in the time being I just want to live my life the way I want. But I need your help because I can’t drive.”

I couldn’t believe this shit. How could this be so final? How could this happen out of nowhere? I ripped away from her and for the first time since the diagnosis I started openly sobbing. She came up behind me, put her hands on my shoulders, and said, “Honey, I am so sorry, but I don’t want to lie to you.” “But how do you know Ma?”, I replied. “Hon, I was a nurse on the Cancer floor for thirty years. I knew the minute I received the diagnosis. I fought the best I could, but I was too far gone. And now, I just want to enjoy my days.”, she said.

As I ran upstairs to my room I could hear Ma start to whimper. I remember thinking about everything, and going to my bathroom so that I could vomit. I sat in my bed for an hour or so thinking. And then I came to a decision that I regret to this very day. I left the house,  and went to the gas station. I purchased a pack of Virginia Slim Menthol Lights. When I got home, I handed them to my Mom. She went into the basement, and I went to my room. This action would come to cause a twenty year gap in the relationship with my Father. But in the end, I was concerned about one thing. Helping my Mother live out her last days in comfort.

Guest Post by J.O.B – Caregiver Part II

Please see “Guest Post by J.O.B. – Caregiver Part I”  if you need to catch up or need the link to J.O.B.’s blog.

Thanksgiving 1992

As Thanksgiving had come, there were good days, and there were bed. I distinctly remember Thanksgiving being bad for the simple fact that this was the first Thanksgiving that my Mother did not prepare the whole meal.  Debbie (Oldest sibling) was cooking. Every other minute however Mom was in there making sure the sweet potato mash and collard greens were being prepared properly. Then the sweet cornbread and black eyed peas (MOM was from Kentucky, duh. LOL). Not to mention the turkey! Holy cow, Debbie had no idea what she got herself into. LOLOLOL

I remember Julie (Second eldest sibling) Stirring a spoon in a big metal Pot. It was the cornbread, and Mom looked at her from the Dining Room and yelled, “Damnit Jules, don’t stir too fast). Of course Julie yelled back, “I’m Not !” I remember my Mother limping into the kitchen right as Bill (My Father) and Jr. (Bill Jr. is my older brother) walked into the backdoor. My Father gave my Mother a kiss and asked how she was feeling? (Just so everyone can follow along easier, I am the baby boy of four children. I have one brother and two sisters.) “Like s##t, how do you think? Our daughters are not preparing Dinner properly?

Well, Debbie & Julie did a good job with Dinner. In the end I think Mom was quite proud because all she could muster was a teary eyed smile. But for me, it was incredible. It was Mom, Dad, Bill, Julie, Scott (Julie’s boyfriend), Debbie, and Jeff (Debbie’s husband. My brother-in-law), Ginger & Michael (My niece and nephew), and of course yours truly. I could not remember a time like this in my entire life. The entire family was here which was highly unusual (Due to age difference. Debbie, the oldest, is 23 years older than me. Big gap between all of us).

An hour later we ended up having homemade Pumpkin Pie and Red Velvet cake. Mom made those because she refused to let ANYONE else bake in her kitchen! And God D##N was is delicious. I marveled at the whole thing. I remember being in awe. Not because of my Sister’s wonderful cooking. And not because of my Mom’s delicious desserts. But because we were together. All of us for the first Thanksgiving that I could remember. It wasn’t about illness on this day. It was about family! Family that would prevail!

After everyone had left, it was my Mother, my Father, and myself. After my Father went to bed my Mother took her wig off. “Hi/Low or Hi”, I asked. (That’s Omaha Hi/Low)  “How about a game of Trouble?”, She replied. I said, “You bet your sweet a## Whatever game you feel like losing at……” I was laughing out loud when my Mother smacked me on the top of the head. As it turns out, Cancer may take a lot of things from you. But it NEVER takes away your sassiness. It was at this time that we had our first “deep” conversation since the diagnosis. As we played she asked me, “How are you doing Honey?”. “Okay I guess”, I said. “You seem like you have something on your mind”, she said. “I kind of do”, I replied. “Well what is it sweety, you can tell me anything”, she said. “Well, I just don’t understand how all of this happened so fast. You went to the doctor a few days after your birthday, then a few days after that Debbie is taking you to radiology appointments. Then last week your hair starts to fall out. I just don’t understand how this happened so fast.”

As I reached across the table to pop the bubble my Mom Grabbed my hand. “Honey, I’m sorry, but I lied to you. I went to see Dr. Rocke three weeks before my birthday. That’s when I found out about the cancer. The day that you thought I went to the doctor was actually my first radiation treatment.”, she said. “Why did you lie about it though”, I asked. “Honey, I’m sorry for that, but I didn’t want you to worry. You need to concentrate on your classes. Not to mention how good you were doing at football. The last thing you need right now is to worry about me. The reason my hair fell out was because I am undergoing such a high treatment of radiology.”, She replied. “Just don’t lie to me because that scares me more than anything”, I said. “I won’t lie anymore Honey. I’m Sorry”, she replied.

We spent the rest of the night playing Trouble and Rummy. I remember going to bed that night more at ease. My question had been answered and I understood her reasoning. I could now rest easy ???????????????

JOB